I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
