you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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