I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
