he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I want a musical about memes.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
