why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
