Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
