Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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