booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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