My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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