my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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