I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
