Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i think i have herpe
just one?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
he just fucked me for my cheese.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
