Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
