did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
