when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
