Yo dont text me then not text me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
