Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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