he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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