Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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