During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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