Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
