Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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