If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
