your parents love me but you hate me
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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