I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
