Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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