I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
