can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
