Non-Jews are for practice
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
