help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
