i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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