I just made out with a guy for $7.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
