dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
