I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
