I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
