While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
