jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
