I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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