I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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