I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
