that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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