got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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