woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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