You can't special order awesome
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
