I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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