I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
