i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
