I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
