literally had 100 drinks last night.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
