You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
