Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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